Monday, July 31, 2006

Two lines, no waiting -- well, actually, more waiting....

I would have posted this three days ago, but I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. The imaginary shoe seems content to remain where it is, though, so I guess it's time.

On Friday night, I decided perhaps it was time to POAS ("pee on a stick," in the charmingly descriptive parlance of IVF), since my first beta would have been on Sunday, if it weren't Sunday, which at my doctor's clinic is devoted solely to Big Stuff such as embryo retrievals. (My first beta was therefore today, on Monday, and my second one will be Wednesday.) So a home pregnancy test might actually be useful for once, I figured. Accordingly, I set out the stuff I'd need, and went to bed.

I woke up with an aching bladder about 6 a.m., a time when I am normally dead to the world, since I generally get up about 8. POAS? Or wait? Half-asleep, I went for it, peeing in a disposable cup with my cat eyeing me askance, and then dipping the little stick in as instructed. I settled in to wait, figuring it would be close to the time limit of 5 minutes before I saw anything -- but at about one minute, something started to show.

"Oh, my God!" I hovered over it breathlessly. "Oh my God!" The line was turning darker by the second. A line! TWO lines! Pregnant! Really pregnant! "Oh. My. GOD!" Tears sprang to my eyes, and I started crying, praying and cursing at the same time, which shows you what kind of state I was in and also what a potty-mouth I have.

"Fuck! Oh my God! Oh my God! Fuck! I can't believe it! Thank you, God! Thank you! Fuck!"

Then I started laughing at myself. I'm not sure God hears too many heartfelt and grateful prayers which are also laced with "fuck."

Once I got some control over myself, I bounced back into bed and woke up D. with the news. "It worked! Sweetie, it worked!" You would think we had been practicing some dark arcane magic, from the way I put it to him -- but then, IVF does kind of seem like magic to me.

He just hugged me sleepily and said something like, "I knew you were pregnant the other day."

D. was referring to a complete and total meltdown I had had at him, over something comparatively trivial (though I still maintain he was acting like a jerk). I was leaking tears like a Precious Moments figurine -- something I normally am not prone to -- and after he got me calmed down, he hugged me and said, "You are pregnant."

And now, it looks like he was right.

But I've been waiting for that other shoe, as I said. Not content with one positive, I tested yesterday and today, and got the same result: two beautiful lines. I think I wouldn't be quite so paranoid except for last time's experience of a chemical pregnancy. I now know that it is totally possible to be pregnant one day and not the next, and that's knowledge I could really do without, thank you.

My experience with POAS that time was different, though. Unable to wait, I had been POAS for several days prior to my first beta, and got nothing, nada, zilch. On the day of my first beta, I got a very faint line -- a line so faint you would look at it and say, "Wait, is that a line or a shadow falling on this?" It was vaguely encouraging, but did not call forth the histrionics of this time. I POAS again the next day, and got -- nothing. I gritted my teeth and decided the first one was due to a manufacturer's defect. Right? Of course. It had to be.

Then the next day I did my second beta and got the news: At my first beta (the day the line showed up), I had had a beta of 19. The second beta was 5. Wrong direction. Elevator going down. Embryo all washed up. Failure. Thirteen thousand out the window. No baby.

That is, let me tell you, enough to ruin your day.

So I hope for better things this Wednesday. I'll probably POAS again tomorrow and Wednesday both, checking that the line remains dark and constant, that it hasn't decided to wimp out on me and go south again. I hope when we get the call on Wednesday afternoon, I can say smugly, "Thanks for confirming that for us." I hope I can start thinking about the ins and outs of real pregnancy, and maybe even beyond that to how to raise a baby (since I've never been around babies in my life and it's going to take some serious instruction, believe me!). I want to get OVER the freaking starting line and start the race!

Wish me luck.


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