Saturday, November 18, 2006

Getting tense

I can feel myself tensing up, waiting for the amnio results. I have negotiated this particular two week wait mostly without incident, mainly by ignoring the fact that I am waiting for something. But waiting for what I fervently hope will be the good news from Ghent is getting to me. Tonight I was in the shower, talking to God (what, haven't you already figured out I'm a strange one? Of course I talk to God while I'm in the shower; doesn't everyone? And no, smartass, He doesn't answer me, at least not out loud), and praying that the amnio would come out okay (which I suppose is nonsensical at this point, since the results are probably already in, and may already be in the mail -- so what is He supposed to do, intercept my mail? Is there such a thing as Heavenly White-Out?).

And I just kept thinking about how hideous it would be if the amnio is not okay, and it didn't take much of that to send me into a fullscale meltdown. So in very short order, poor D (who was innocently watching a football game while I was in the shower) had to contend with a dripping-wet preggo lady of Wagnerian proportions and way too many hormones who was also dripping copious tears. He did manage to get me calmed down, finally, just by patting me and repeating, "It'll be all right," like some sort of mantra. But oh, in my heart of hearts I am still frightened. I cannot imagine what we will do if something is severely not okay. I know what we agreed to, but I look down at my huge belly, and I cannot imagine doing that now. I also cannot imagine raising a seriously handicapped child. I am suffering from a severe failure of imagination at this point.

But I calmed down for a while at least, and we went out to a regular games night and potluck we have with friends, and things were much better. But as we were getting ready to leave, somehow the subject of showers came up. Two people so far have offered to throw showers for us. One person is quite serious about it (we talked about it again just this morning on the phone), and she is part of a circle of friends we have developed here who are separate from my husband's work. The other person is one of my husband's work colleagues, and I don't know how serious she was about her offer. If she was in fact serious, I think it would be better to have two showers, rather than try and blend the two sets of people, none of whom know each other. (Although I am open to other opinions on this, if my Dear Readers have experience or input.)

But D wasn't open to anything. This is one of his least lovely traits: He tends to make up his mind on the spur of the moment about something I have been giving thought to for an extended period of time, and blast out his opinion as though it's the only possible answer and I'd be a fool to naysay him. He immediately decreed that it would be silly to have more than one shower, and when I tried to explain why I thought two might work out better, he absolutely didn't want to hear anything that didn't jibe with the opinion of the Great God D. I am afraid I lost my temper a bit at that point, and pointed out (alas, in front of our friends) that he'd never even thought about showers before, that he didn't know the first thing about showers, and he was being all logical and sensible and in fact, just being a damned Man. This little hormone-fueled soliloquy amused our friends greatly, but of course incensed the Great God D, and, well, it was a good thing we were already leaving. He was quite short with me all the way home, though he had calmed down by the time he was getting ready to go to bed.

But this is a tendency of his that has annoyed me muchly in the past and I guess is not going to get better. I think he is channeling his father, who was very much the autocratic head of the household. His mother was a dear lady, but an alcoholic and something of a vague presence in the household, who only rarely put her foot down or even seemed to have an opinion about most things. As you may have noticed, I do have opinions, and tend to be forthright about voicing them. And I'll be damned if I am going to be intimidated or shut up when I have something to say.

In D's defense, I'll also say that once he has calmed down and thought about things, he often changes his mind and agrees with me, or agrees to defer to me if the issue is important to me. But damn, this initial charge-of-the-Light-Brigade approach is annoying, and I can see it causing problems later with the kiddos. We need to be united on things in front of them, not have him spout out his unconsidered opinion and leave me to try and change it. But I've talked to him before about it, and he doesn't even believe he's doing it, let alone be open to changing it. So I need to find another tack to approach him when he does this ... and not just fly off my own handle, as I did tonight, and complicate things.

I just wish the damned amnio info would get here. And I pray that it's okay.


Blogger Thalia said...

Bloody bloglines seems to be down, so I just randomly got here to find this post. Sorry you're having such a stressful time. I'm sure the fear over the amnio results must make everything else absolutely impossible to deal with.

I hope they get here soon.

12:41 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home